


Oculus

by 2ne4 (17826)



Series: Good Death [1]
Category: 2NE1, Big Bang (Band), YG Entertainment | YG Family
Genre: Canon Compliant, Chaera and nyongtory are sidepairings k, Depression, F/F, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Mentions of winner and ikon and basically all the yg family and friends, Those 2 are only mentioned unexplicitly but still
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-23
Updated: 2015-12-23
Packaged: 2018-05-08 19:10:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,099
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5509745
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/17826/pseuds/2ne4
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>[Reupload due to author's own mistake]</p><p>Seunghyun was bored of flying, but he supposed that didn't mean much when you were bored of everything.</p><p>Contradicts nothing known as of 21/11/2015. Trigger warning for depression and discussion of suicide</p>
            </blockquote>





	Oculus

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger warnings for constant and in-depth discussion of depression and reference to suicide.

He didn't know how he had done it before, just slept next to someone that important as if it were nothing. It was years ago when they had first shared a bed, back when they were trainees and still in dorms, and neither of them could remember why they even started doing it. It had never been frequent enough to count as a pattern, so they had never thought about it too much. Now, almost a decade after they finished being trainees, Seunghyun's definitely thinking about it too much. He was thinking about it so loudly he wondered why Daesung didn't wake up and tell him to quit making such a noise, and maybe grin that dopey grin he gets when he's tired and can't quite trouble his eyes to open.   
  
  
  
But that wouldn't happen now. 10 years ago it would have, hell this time last year it could have easily happened. Probably did, given the increase in sleepovers that carried through from the worst year of their lives all the way to the beginning of 2015. But now, he knew that if Daesung were to wake up, he'd just roll over and go back to sleep. He might even see Seunghyun staring at him, but he'd ignore it. The worst thing about that was that Seunghyun wouldn't even blame him, never has managed to blame anyone but himself for this mess. The voice in his head that sounds suspiciously like Seungri says that no one likes a man who is self-pitying. The worst thing about that is that it's true.   
  
  
  
But at some point in the night, Seunghyun must have drifted off because suddenly it's morning and Daesung has his back to him, not towards the window in the way he normally sleeps. He said it was to avoid the light but he gets up before the sunrise most days anyway, so Seunghyun had never really understood it. This time last year, he would have reached out and wrapped his arm around Daesung without even thinking, the easiest thing in the world. Now he couldn't even stomach the thought of shifting to close the not inconsiderable gap that had grown between them in the night, and Daesung must be nearly falling off the bed to maintain this kind of distance. All of this came to Seunghyun the second he opened his eyes.   
  
  
  
Immediately he was perfectly alert, his heart jumping into his throat, and of course hyperaware of Daesung's back as if it were just an extension of his own body. Gone were the days of waking up carelessly tangled in each others limbs, but let it never be said that Seunghyun wasn't an opportunist. From his perspective - both psychological and physical - Daesung's back was a well-toned and insurmountable wall, over which lay undefined promises of beautiful things. From the knot between his shoulder blades, Seunghyun could tell that Daesung's arms were twisted around the covers tightly in front of him, and that his spine was not going to thank him for it when he woke, but Seunghyun was too selfish to wake him and alert him to the problem. Or maybe too scared. He never knew which of those he was nowadays, had forgotten the difference if ever he knew it.   
  
  
  
The clock hit 8 just as Daesung shifted and stretched, waking naturally at exactly the time he always had. Nice to know some things never changed at least. He watched as the muscles rippled across Daesung's back and shoulders, and then as arms and chest came into as he rolled to avoid falling off the bed. They caught eyes for a long moment, desperate search meeting a sleep filled gaze, before Daesung broke to look back at the clock.   
  
  
  
"Morning," Seunghyun half whispered, hating how the silence dragged. "You're right on schedule." Daesung let out a small hum and closer his eyes once more, stretching in earnest and wincing at the stiffness of his spine.   
  
"Little stiff?" Seunghyun tried again, consciously ignoring the view as the covers fell down and more golden skin was revealed.   
  
"Little bit." Daesung said. "Good morning", he didn't say, nor " since when did you wake up before me?".   
  
Before he could filter his brain the way he should, Seunghyun spoke again. "I can help with that, want a massage?" He asked, even as the Seungri voice in his head started berating him sharply. Eyes half covered with that ridiculous fringe turned to him, unreadable in a way they never were before this year.   
  
"Yeah, alright."   
  
The words didn't register for a few seconds, but when they did Seunghyun went blank. And then into overdrive.   
  
"I mean, I have no idea how to give massages, obviously, I mean I gave one to Jiyong once but I was making it up as I went along, but he said it felt okay I guess, but I don't-"   
  
"Hyung, you'll be fine," Daesung interrupted, not unkindly "just say how you want me."   
  
"Oh, Daesunggie, if I were to list all the ways I want you we'd be here until next sunrise." Seunghyun joked, but it fell flat the way all his jokes had recently, something a little too honest in the delivery. Daesung let out a half hearted snort and Seunghyun missed the days when, even if no one else could, Daesung had found his jokes funny. "Uh, on your stomach I guess?"   
  
Daesung shifted accordingly and Seunghyun tried not to hesitate before settling himself on Daesung's lower back so he could reach his shoulder blades without too much trouble.   
  
"Is this okay? Not too heavy?" Another low hum came in response. In a moment of dizzying pleasure chased immediately by hollow panic, Seunghyun realised he could feel Daesung's voice through where his thighs touched the sides of Daesung's chest. He could feel it resonating still, a phantom sensation in his own chest, and not for the first time since waking he was floored by just how fucked he was.   
  
  
  
***   
  
  
  
"I'm gunna go for a smoke," yelled Jiyong over the throbbing bass of whatever nightclub they were promoting that night "Wanna join me?"   
  
Seunghyun nodded, not bothering to shout because he knew he wouldn't be heard. As he followed Jiyong up to their VIP booth and it's small balcony, he scanned the crowd by habit. Between all the foreign bodies, he could see Youngbae sitting at the bar, smiling courteously at a woman who obviously had no objection to flirting with a famously taken man, and Soonho next to him, trying to hide his laughter. Seungri was out in the middle of the dance floor of course, making every one of the two dozen partygoers he was dancing with feel like he was dancing just for them, as he always did, but he didn't spot Daesung until he was led through their VIP booth and past the very man he was looking for drunkenly flirting with a tall guy who didn't look disinterested.   
  
  
  
As soon as they got outside, Seunghyun snapped "He should be more careful in public," knowing that Jiyong would understand who he meant. "If he were spotted, his last scandal would be blown out the water."   
  
Jiyong fixed him with his famous leader stare for a moment before turning to light his cigarette. "Don't be stupid Seunghyun, this is Shanghai and it's a private club who are paying for us to be here. No one cares, he can do what he likes, and don't be insensitive, it doesn't suit you. It wasn't just some stupid scandal and you know that." He held out his lighter for Seunghyun to share. He had no idea when Jiyong had stopped calling him hyung.   
  
"But still," he said feebly, "He never takes them home anyway so what's the point?" He also looked out over the river and the brightly lit city scape behind it, more to avoid looking at Jiyong than because he had any real interest in seeing big cities anymore. He'd definitely had enough of those by now for a life time.   
  
"You need to get over him Seunghyun," came the response, blunt as ever. "It's not his responsibility to want you back. Besides, even if he did, what could you do? Hide your relationship from the world 24 hours a day? You would hate that, you know you would."   
  
"But we're in Shanghai," he parroted sarcastically, not really sure who or what he was angry at. Maybe Jiyong for pretending his relationship with Kiko was cut and paste for Seunghyun's feelings for Daesung. Maybe record sales for making Jiyong and Kiko into a cut and paste for every relationship in Korea. "No one cares."   
  
"Yeah, well, eventually we've gotta go home hyung." Sneaking a sideways glance, Seunghyun saw for a second that the concept of home scared Jiyong just as much as it did him. Home had been a very elastic concept this year, what with all their shuffling between Korea and the rest of the world, but they both knew that next time they returned for good, Seunghyun would be enlisting. And Jiyong had maybe a year of solo promotions if Hyunsuk was feeling cruel before the same happened to him. Then the look on Jiyong's face was gone, covered by detached displeasure as he stubbed out his cigarette.   
  
"Tobacco here tastes like shit. I'm going back into the party." He announced, turning to go. Privately, Seunghyun thought, it wasn't just this tobacco, and more that it was Jiyong craving something sickly sweeter and more distracting than nicotine. Without turning, Jiyong called "I'm going to go find the maknae. Do me a favour, drink something before you come to find me again. You're so boring when you're moping."   
  
"Like you aren't." Seunghyun muttered, and Jiyong snorted, looking back with one foot in the door. He considered Seunghyun for a moment before deciding not to say whatever he was thinking and left. Depressing, reflected Seunghyun, that even Jiyong treated him different now.   
  
  
  
Seunghyun returned to the party only after his second cigarette had been well and truly exhausted, but he didn't intend to stay long. Maybe he would try and slip away quietly, Youngbae would probably cover for him if he asked. However, as his eyes scanned the room, past Seungri DJing with a savagely grinning Jiyong hanging off his shoulder, he saw the one person he had been avoiding looking at dancing with abandon. As Seungri had before, Daesung did now, dancing with everyone and anyone who got close enough, his eyes half closed and sweat glistening on every inch of visible skin. He was golden under the pulsing lights, and God it hurt to look at him. Reevaluating his plan, Seunghyun stumbled to the bar and ordered the first thing that came to mind.   
  
  
  
Half an hour later, he was carried out to the car by company staff and in the morning, the last thing he remembered was catching Jiyong's eyes on stage, and the malicious sense of victory he saw in them.   
  
  
  
***   
  
  
  
"...you coming back? It feels like you've been in the US for ages Chaerin-ah." Dara's voice carried from around the corner as she came out of the same fire escape Seunghyun had. His cigarette break seemed less important than her phone call though, as her voice fell into the humid air. July in the Philippines was not conducive to carrying sound very far, but from only a few metres away, he could hear the affection in her voice. "Well that's ages away!" He could hear the pout too.   
  
He stubbed out his cigarette and left it smoking in the bin, hesitating as to what he should do now. He didn't want to look like he'd been eavesdropping, but he did need to get back inside at some point and knowing those two they'd be talking for a while. He was considering trying to find another door in when he heard Dara saying goodbye.   
  
"We'll talk tomorrow. Yeah, sure, have fun 'Rin. I love you too, bye bye!" Her voice sounded like it could barely contain the love she felt within it. He recognised it, had heard it in Dae's voice before. They used to call every night when they were in separate countries too.   
  
  
  
He heard the click of the door as Dara went to go back inside and took a half step forwards, intending to go in a few minutes after she left so she wouldn't see him creeping, but a load crack echoed off the wall and he looked down in shock to see a twig broken under his foot.   
  
"Seunghyun?" Came her voice and he looked up, trying to not look too sheepish and hoping that the bad lighting would cover his blush. She was clearly trying not to laugh as she watched him clumsily jump into a more casual stance.   
  
"Uh yeah, hi, sorry noona, I was just having a smoke, and you and Chaerin, I didn't want to interrupt, so I just..." His voice trailed off into the night and there was a pause before Dara grinned widely and turned to open the door again. Cursing his luck, he jumped forward and went in behind her before it closed. He desperately searched for a topic which would distract her from his blunder. "So how's our Chaerin doing in America then? She sounds like she's having fun."   
  
"Yeah," smiled Dara. "She says that everyone's really interesting there, and I should go out to visit her soon. She's been invited to perform in Diplo's tour because Dr Pepper did so well." From the fierce pride in her voice, she had already moved on from Seunghyun's recent embarrassment. As she continued to relay news of Chaerin's recent adventures, he understood for the first time how so many of the staff members compared what she and Chaerin were to what he and Daesung had, or rather used to have. He couldn't tell if they were dating or just really in love. He also, he realised, couldn't tell what he was meant to say, as Dara looked up at him expectantly. All he ever did around her was embarrass himself, it seemed.   
  
"Sorry," he said, cringing as they came to a stop outside his changing room, "I think I drifted for a second there noona, I'm a bit out of it tonight."   
  
She smiled kindly at him. "Never mind, Seungnhyun-ah, you must be tired after your performance. You did really well up there, make sure you get some rest tonight."   
  
He returned the hug she offered tightly, trying to make up for the insult he'd given in not listening to her conversation. "Say hi to Chaerin for me noona, and good luck for her shows. Thanks for coming." He stepped back and avoided her eyes.   
  
"I should go say thanks to the other boys," she said. "Where's Daesunggie's room?"   
  
He hated that she assumed he would automatically know where Daesung was at any given moment, but he wasn't really sure why so he pointed it out anyway.   
  
  
  
***   
  
  
  
"We're gunna get me spotted in public this week," Bom smiled as she looked down at her hands, nervous in a way Seunghyun hadn't seen her in years. "Just at the YG building for a couple of seconds, but still. I think I'm actually excited."   
  
"That's great noona," Seunghyun said, and really meant it. "The world has been missing your alien face too long."   
  
"Aish, this kid..." She rolled her eyes, no real heat to the rebuttal, and half-heartedly pushed at his shoulder. Then she sank back into the cushions of Seunghyun's couch. "I almost wanna do something to celebrate, but that would be pretty pathetic right?"   
  
"Nah, I ordered in from Jungsik Dang for Daesung when he decided he was ready to leave the house again. If you wanna celebrate the little victories, then go for it." He resolved to send flowers to her house when he was in Australia tomorrow, and a bread basket if he could keep Hwangsabbu out of the loop. It didn't quite compare to takeout from a Michelin starred restaurant which didn't offer take out anyway, but he knew she would appreciate it.   
  
"I haven't seen Daesung in weeks, I was hoping he might be here today, he usually is." Bom looked around as if hoping to see him jump out from behind a bookshelf. Seunghyun shifted uncomfortably.   
  
"Not much recently noona, we see so much of each other traveling, we all just want to get away from each other and see our families now when we're in Korea..." He couldn't hear his voice quaver as he spoke, but damn if he didn't feel like a fraud.   
  
Unsuspecting, Bom hummed. "Suppose that makes sense. Call me next time he's over, I'll come see you both then okay?" He sickened like someone had punched his gut and had the sudden urge to tell her everything, confess all that he felt, was feeling, would always feel it seemed. Instead he smiled tightly and nodded, looking away. She had other things to deal with, and his manager would be here to pick her up in 20 minutes or so. There really wasn't the time, he reasoned with himself, and focused once more on what she was saying.   
  
  
  
**   
  
  
  
Macau was a few degrees warmer than Seoul this time of year, and again Seunghyun was at some expensive night club he had already forgotten the name of. Something English and mostly meaningless, probably. They always were. He could hear Seungri yelling excitedly at the crowd, his improving grasp of Chinese mixing with his accented English, but couldn't quite trouble himself to look up. Made tour was over now and he could rest a whole two days before they started to prepare for the Japanese concerts in November, so all he could think about was his nice private villa. Where he could be all alone. For 48 whole hours. God, he was tired.   
  
  
  
"Not enjoying the party, hyung?" Came a voice from above him, and he looked up to see Daesung fall onto the sofa next to him. He was smirking, but his eyes took the edge off the sarcasm. "That's so unlike you."   
  
"Dunno what's come over me really, usually I'm the life and soul," he quipped half-heartedly "but you seem to be having fun?"   
  
Daesung reached out for Seunghyun's beer and took a swig before leaning back against the wall. "Yeah, I do, don't I?" Unsure what to say, Seunghyun went back to studying the floor. The lull in conversation stretched.   
  
"Do you-" "I'm so-" they both tried to speak at the same moment and Daesung smiled softer, his eyes crinkling at the corners.   
  
"You first hyung"   
  
"Nah, you go, its fine." Seunghyun met eyes with Daesung for the first time and felt uncomfortably exposed as he was surveyed for a few seconds.   
  
"Okay. I was just going to say, I'm so tired, I wonder when we're allowed to leave. Given his way, Seungri would become DJ in residence here I think, so we can't leave it up to him."   
  
"Or Jiyong," Seunghyun snorted. "Maknae can have whatever he likes obviously."   
  
"Yeah," Daesung sighed, letting himself relax for a minute and  looking truly weary in a way that Seunghyun would never had guessed at a few seconds ago. "What did you want to say hyung?"   
  
"The same." He smiled wryly. Daesung sighed again and shifted to lean his head against Seunghyun's shoulder, closing his eyes. He seemed to all the world an exhausted child which was not, Seunghyun reflected, so far from the truth. His heart warmed. "We could probably go since there's two of us who want to leave. If we leave quick then Jiyong won't know until its too late, we could go back to the hotel and sleep." He watched Daesung's face like he wouldn't be allowed to look ever again, watched as the exhaustion on his face softened and the crease between his eyebrows dissolved. His eyelids twitched but remained closed.   
  
"Yeah, let's do that."   
  
  
  
So they did, texting the driver and their managers and sneaking out through the back door. Youngbae almost saw them at the stairs, but they ducked behind a table like they were kids playing at spies and Daesung started giggling, which set Seunghyun off so by the time they got in the van they were hysterical in the way only bone-deep tired people can be. Then Daesung got a text from Seungri saying "sleep well hyungs!", with a picture attached of himself, Youngabe, and Jiyong in the DJ booth. Tears started to fall.   
  
"They saw us leave!" Daesung gasped, the second his lungs allowed him enough air to speak around his laughter. "They watched the whole thing!" Seunghyun could do nothing more than laugh even harder in response, his shoulders shaking soundlessly with mirth. He would never get over this feeling, he thought dizzily, of laughing with Daesung as they sped through Macao. How could he ever be sad again when he could feel like this? The city looked beautiful, flashing past the windows as their laughter eventually subsided and they grinned giddily at one another. Seunghyun loved cities, and this one in particular as Daesung kept a hold of the hand he had grabbed at some point while they were laughing. Seunghyun loved everything tonight.   
  
  
  
By the time they got back to the hotel, the wakefulness lent to them by their laughter had worn off and they sloped into the elevator like zombies. A little quiver of trepidation wormed its way into Seunghyun's heart as the floor numbers rose, wondering if Daesung would go back to his own room or come with Seunghyun as he always used to. He didn't know which idea he was more scared of. As they stepped out of the elevator and turned towards their rooms, adjacent and down the corridor to the right, he thumbed his keycard nervously and hesitated before trying to make his voice sound as nonchalant as possible when they stopped outside his door.   
  
"Are you coming in or...?"   
  
Daesung's eyes smiled even through his yawn. "Yeah hyung, I could use a shower before sleeping though."   
  
Warmth and relief flooded Seunghyun's chest, rendering him momentarily speechless as he nodded and unlocked his door. He grabbed towels to hand over as he slipped off his shoes, even though Daesung would know where they were, and then changed into his pyjamas and waited patiently for Daesung to finish in the shower. Moments after the sound of rushing water stopped, a dripping Daesung poked his head round the door.   
  
"This bathroom's massive hyung, we can both fit at the same time." He smiled. Seunghyun nodded and tried to avoid watching as drips of water snaking their way down to the towel slung low on tanned hips came into view. He brushed the thought aside as he saw Daesung sit down on the edge of the tub, makeup cleaned away and a hotel toothbrush sticking out his mouth. It would be a gross breach of trust to think anything sexual about his friend right now, when he could have a rare moment of unguarded and private life. Distracting himself, he focused on brushing his teeth and counting the number of times he brushed each side of his mouth before each spit, and then mouth wash for exactly 30 seconds. Seunghyun turned to the mirror and groaned as he saw his hair, reaching up to touch it. He had forgotten the gel his stylist had insisted on earlier, and was contemplating just sleeping in it, damn the consequences, when Daesung chuckled softly behind him and stepped forward to spit in the sink and wash out his mouth a few times.   
  
"Want me to wash it out?" He offered, eyes meeting Seunghyun's in the mirror. He was still smiling kindly, not the manic smile he learned for stage but instead a gentle and less calculated expression he saved for the rare moments he was off-duty. "The shower head's detachable."   
  
  
  
Seunghyun nodded and pulled off his pyjama shirt, no room for self-conciousness now. No matter what changed, he would always trust Daesung to not judge his distinct lack of abs where his members all had six packs or at least the wiry definition Jiyong cultivated through permanent clinical exhaustion. He knelt by the tub and rested his forehead on his crossed arms, propped up on the cool ceramic of the bath as Daesung started the water and ran it to temperature. Within seconds, the familiar reputation of Daesung's fingers working out the stiff gel from his hair under the warm stream had lulled him into a half sleep and he spent the next few minutes in blissful comfort, despite the hard floor on his knees and the pins and needles developing in his arms.   
  
  
  
It took him a few seconds to realise Daesung had stopped and shut off the water, and by the time he opened his eyes and looked up, Daesung was looking down at him with such softness that he could do nothing but return the smile with tired warmth.   
  
"Come on," Daesung sighed fondly, "I'll wash your makeup off too, you big lump." The insult had no bite to it.   
  
"You're an angel, you know that?" Seunghyun responded absently, climbing to his feet and going to sit on the closed toilet lid so Daesung could have easy access to his face.   
  
"Yeah, of course," Daesung murmured, as he started to wipe at the concealer under Seunghyun's eyes. "I have wings after all." The rest of the process was done in comfortable silence, Seunghyun's mind in perfect calm for the first time in weeks.   
  
  
  
"All done," Daesung pronounced, throwing the last of the cotton buds in the bin and wiping a stray drip of water from Seunghyun's hair off his face. "You're back to pretty old you now."   
  
Without even thinking, Seunghyun hummed and wrapped his arms around Daesung's waist, pulling him closer, and he might have panicked has Daesung not immediately linked his own arms around Seunghyun's back.   
  
"Come on, let's go sleep now, we have to be up in six hours." He reminded Seunghyun and pulled away, but he also reached down for Seunghyun's hand to help him to his feet. They stumbled to the king size bed together and fell in, exhausted. When he woke up in the morning to the harsh call of a phone alarm, Daesung was still nestled in his arms the exact way he had been when they fell asleep, and if the coordis thought anything of their extra moments of stolen affection as they all prepared for the airport in Seunghyun's room, they said nothing.   
  
  
  
And when he stepped off the airplane in Korea, having just spent 3 and a half hours holding and studying Daesung's hands as he slept, he knew the worst of it all was over. He knew he wouldn't ever feel again as crap as he had last week, or the week before. And when he closed the door to his villa, looking at the prospect of a whole 48 hours alone, he broke and was proved wrong.   
  
  
  
***   
  
  
  
Seunghyun was so tired of flying, but that didn't really mean much when you were tired of everything he decided absently. He looked over at Youngbae, who was reading some fan letters, and wondered if he felt the same. His own bag of fan letters, provided by the staff, lay unopened at his feet; he felt guilty about all the letters he had neglected to read over the past few months, and the fans who must have spent hours on them, but he couldn't face the stream of compliments he could never quite take to heart. He knew he'd just find some way or other to disbelieve them. Instead, he stared out the window, wallowing in his thoughts as he always did when facing a long wait. He wondered how Daesung was doing, already in Japan with Jiyong and Seungri, whether he was having fun. He probably was, he never seemed to need Seunghyun's company in the same way that the reverse was true anymore.   
  
"Hey, Seunghyun-hyung? Can you read this kids writing? I'm really struggling here." Youngbae said, dropping into the seat next to him, making him jump.   
  
"Yeah sure," he said quickly, blinking. "Give it here." Youngbae passed a messy looking piece of lined paper, almost ripped along the fold. The person writing it had obviously spent a lot of time rewriting it, and there were big black marks crossing out whole lines. Their handwriting really was awful. Seunghyun tried his best.   
  
"Taeyang-oppa, I hope this gets to you soon, I'm writing from my room when I should be revising for the jol- no, the college entrance exams, please don't tell my mum. She'd be really mad and I don't want to disappoint her, but I can't think about... ma... maths or numbers any more, I'll go crazy. Anyway, what I really want to say is your music is so inspiring to me oppa, ever since I heard I need a girl I've been your number one fan..." Seunghyun continued to read the letter, the fan's handwriting getting easier to decipher the longer he looked at it. He started to wonder what she meant, letting his mind drift as he read aloud, by saying she'd go crazy if she kept studying. Maybe she really did feel that way and her life actually felt as cramped yet empty to her as Seunghyun's did to him nowadays. He really hoped it didn't, and that it was just a figure of speech. The letter was finishing anyway. "...thank you and please tell GD-oppa and the others to take work hard, and I will always support you. Fighting, Shin Hae-eun." He handed the letter back. "She sounds nice."   
  
"Yeah," Youngbae agreed, "I hope her exams went well despite her using her revision time to write to me. Do you know when results day is? I should wish everyone luck on sns." He tossed the paper back to his seat but stayed sitting next to Seunghyun, letting a comfortable silence permeate for a few minutes until both of their managers, sitting in the row behind them, started snoring. They both snickered.   
  
  
  
"How's Hyolyn?" Seunghyun asked quietly, so as not to wake the snoring staff who must be as exhausted as they were.   
  
"She's good, its really good," Youngbae answered, his face lighting up as it always did at the mention of his girlfriend. "I think we're really going to work out hyung."   
  
Seunghyun waited for the rush of jealousy he felt so often when talking to people in relationships, but it never came. "I'm happy for you then, you deserve it." He said, and surprised himself by meaning it.   
  
"I'm really thankful for her." Youngbae agreed. "But how are you holding up hyung? I know you don't want to be here again so soon."   
  
If anyone else had said that, Seunghyun would have answered curtly and ended the conversation soon, annoyed at the assumption, but somehow he didn't mind Youngbae saying it. He considered answering honestly, then thought about how happy Youngbae had looked a second ago when talking about Hyolyn. No point ruining his good mood. "You know me, I'm always fine. It's worth it for the fans, isn't it?" He tried for a reassuring smile, as much to convince himself as Youngbae, who looked down to hide the pity in his eyes. Seunghyun silently thanked him for that.   
  
"Sure hyung. You know if you ever wanted to talk, I'd be really happy to listen? You're one of my best friends and I want to help you in any way I can. I know Jiyong would say the same." Now it was Seunghyun's turn to hide his eyes, the sudden tears in response to Youngbae's words surprising him. He nodded mutely, as he seemed to be doing a lot recently, and Youngbae put a comforting hand on his arm for a moment. "I'll be just down the aisle if you need me." He offered, before getting up and going back to his letters, leaving Seunghyun to himself. He felt a tear drip from his nose onto his hand, his vision blurring as he stared down at his shoes. Dimly, he recognised that he didn't actually want to be left to himself in that moment, even though he didn't really want to talk either. Youngbae's words had surprised him, but on reflection he didn't know why he hadn't seen them coming. Youngbae was one of his closest friends, and probably the person with which he had the least complicated relationship. He'd never fixated on him in the way he had with Daesung, or slept with him the way he had with Jiyong. He took a moment to examine how he felt and all he found for Youngbae was unconditional support and respect, and he knew that that was all he'd get in return; no unhealthy codependency, no encouragement of his worst excesses. He actually wanted to go and sit next to him.   
  
  
  
Abruptly, he stood up, grabbing his phone from his seat pocket, and ducked his head to hide the tears still running down his cheeks in case one of the managers had woken up. He tried to be as unnoticeable as possible as he climbed into the seat next to Youngbae and offered him one headphone, stuffing the other in his own ear and pressing play on whatever he had been listening to last. IUs new album came on, downloaded on Jiyong's insistence; he was always pulled into whatever Jiyong was obsessing over, and since infinity challenge and his breakup with Kiko, it had been IU. He looked up as Youngbae accepted the headphone and whatever he thought about Seunghyun crying, he didn't let show on his face. Youngbae returned to his letters and Seunghyun slowly calmed down.   
  
  
  
This time, his calm lasted even after he was left alone in his hotel room. Daesung hadn't been there to great them when they arrived. Neither had Seungri, but he never was, so there was only Jiyong waiting to pull Youngbae up to his room. Seunghyun didn't mind. He slept well.   
  
  
  
**   
  
  
  
"Let's play never have I ever." Announced Jiyong. He didn't speak particularly loudly, but his voice always seemed to carry in clubs the way no one else's could. Various people were arranged at the table Jiyong picked, either voluntarily - Seungri, Chaerin, Dara, Soojoo, Jaesang, Hyuk and Hyunjae - or because Jiyong told them to - himself, Youngbae, Jieun, and Daesung. Around them, Gangnam NB continued to celebrate the success of another MAMA awards. For once, Seunghyun was at an after party by choice, and free to leave at any time. He wouldn't even be the first to do so if he did, the iKon boys having already gone back to their dorms to celebrate with Winner in much the same way Winner had returned to see Team B last year. Another thing that made this after party unique was that Seunghyun didn't even want to leave; he had lots of friends here, and they had done well at the show. He settled back into his seat, grinning as Jiyong proclaimed "First to finish their drink buys the next round." in that strong accent he gets when tipsy. Daesung's arm pressed up against his own.   
  
"Oppa, that means you'll definitely be buying the next round." Chaerin called.   
  
"Don't speak too soon, you and Dara could be pretty targeted by these y'know. Besides, it doesn't matter who loses, what matters is who wins. I reckon Jieun-ah will be last to finish!" He was practically leering at that point and Seunghyun felt the urge to shield Jieun where she sat on his left, but to her credit she didn't shrink from Jiyong's gaze.   
  
"I think I could surprise you oppa," she said mildly. Her voice carried the same way as Jiyong's did. He could see why Jiyong was still fixating on her. "You keep forgetting I'm not 15 anymore." Jiyong's eyes went glassy, and Seunghyun was sure he was going to say something awful any second now.   
  
  
  
He made eye contact with Youngbae and they went into damage control, a routine they had sorted after so many years of dealing with Jiyong's obsessions. Under the table, he grabbed Jieun's wrist to catch her attention and almost imperceptibly shook his head; if she kept drawing Jiyong's attention, there would be cause for tabloid headlines, but she was clever and when Seunghyun warned her he knew she would understand. Across the table, Youngbae directed the conversation away from her.   
  
"I think Soojoo's the one to watch." He challenged, holding eye contact with Jiyong as much as possible. Soojoo herself had cottoned onto their routine after seeing them perform it so many times, even once when she had been Jiyong's obsession after that vogue shoot, so she responded as quickly as she could.   
  
"Being asexual does have it's perks," and she was still the only Korean Seunghyun had ever met who could call herself that and not sound westernised. "I'm usually the last one standing. But no ones gunna know unless we start playing right? Jiyong, you go first."   
  
The mention of his name broke his transfixion fully and Jiyong leapt into action. "Never have I ever!" He shouted before considering the group before him. He was a king holding his court here. "Never have I ever slept with a photographer I've been shot by." It was bizarrely contrived for a first statement, but Jiyong's always had to be as he couldn't put forward a category that applied to hinself. Hyuk, Hyunjae, and Seungri drank.   
  
Chaerin cackled, jostling Dara on her lap, stabbing her finger at Hyuk and Hyunjae. "I knew it, I fucking called it!" She gloated, obviously winning some bet the others weren't in on. No one was surprised by Seungri's admission, but Jiyong glared at him anyway. Chaerin continued. "My turn, never have I ever had three orgasms within three minutes." This was obviously another gloat, as Dara was the only one who drank. Everyone round the table laughed uproariously, but Seunghyun felt the tightness he always felt when confronted with the reality of Dara and Chaerin. He'd been so happy for them, obviously, when Dara came back from her trip to New York with the news that they'd finally got together, but at the same time it has only furthered the awkwardness between himself and Daesung. They'd always been compared with those two, and now even they had got together.   
  
  
  
He heard a shout of laughter and realised he'd missed whatever Dara's turn was. Soojoo, Jaesang, and Youngbae were drinking, which was an odd combination. He resolved to listen more attentively and try and enjoy himself for once. It was Soojoo's turn now.   
  
"Never have I ever slept with anyone in this room." She announced smugly to a large groan, and sure enough, everyone save herself, Youngbae, and Daesung drank.   
  
  
  
As Jaesang was questioned intently by the group, Seunghyun nudged Daesung and spoke as quietly as he could while still being heard. "No one? In this whole room? You don't even know who's here probably, how can you know?"   
  
"The people I've slept with aren't the people that get invited to parties like this hyung," Daesung had his lips so close to Seunghyun's cheek as he spoke. "It's not hard to know." And then he turned to the group at large, Jaesang having finished regaling his stories. "Never have I ever slept with anyone at this table." He called bravely.   
  
Hyuk, Hyunjae, Chaerin, Dara, Jiyong, Seungri, and Seunghyun all took a drink with varying levels of cockiness, and there were shrieks of delighted disgust as Jaesang pretended to reach for his glass. Feeling Daesung's eyes hard on his face, Seunghyun powered into his turn quickly to avoid questioning and went with the first thing he could think of.   
  
"Never have I ever slept with someone round this table more than once." He immediately cringed, knowing it wouldn't be enough to distract Daesung, but was saved by, along with the expected Chaerin and Dara, Seungri and Jiyong also drinking. There was a moment of stunned silence.   
  
"Care to share something with the group guys?" Youngbae said, an astonished laugh threatening to break his voice. It was hard to tell between the dim lights and his usual flush from alcohol, but Jiyong might actually have been blushing. Seungri was avoiding everyone's eyes and looking at the table. Seunghyun couldn't help it, he let out a great snort of laughter and the floodgates opened.   
  
Seungri looked offended by the laughter and opened his mouth to explain, but Jiyong punched his side quickly, hissing "Shut up, maknae!", which only served as fuel to the laughter. Next to him, Seunghyun could see a hint of something akin to triumph in Jieun's eyes even as she doubled over in laughter. He supposed he wasn't surprised though. Since 2006, Seungri has had two versions of the word hyung; one to portray the proper respect and deference the term implies, and one for everyone who isn't Jiyong. Eventually the uproar died down, and when both Jiyong and Seungri refused to comment further, the game moved on to Jieun.   
  
  
  
She looked down at the table before steeling herself and looking up to meet Jiyong's eyes, undoing all the work Seunghyun and Youngbae had put into damage control with one considered flick of her eyelashes. They had thought they were helping her protect herself, but they hadn't taken into account that she might have more in common with Jiyong than just record-breaking album sales; she was pushing Jiyong just as much as he was pulling at her, and for no discernible reason other than to see what would happen when he was poked.   
  
"Never have I ever wanted to sleep with someone round this table and not done it."   
  
One side of his brain commended Jieun for the question and how it fit into her game with Jiyong. It was as clear a rejection as any, and as Jiyong bitterly clutched his own drink for a sip, there was a tangible shift in the power dynamic of their relationship that put it very much in her favour. The other half of his brain, however, panicked and he considered not being truthful for the first time ever while playing this game. As he hesitated, Hyuk took a drink of his glass, eyes flitting hungrily between Chaerin and Jieun, and a kind of lethargy came over Seunghyun. It was all so meaningless. Damn it all. He took a drink. On his right, matching him to the second, so did Daesung.   
  
  
  
He lost track of the rest of the game, his world shrinking until all he could feel was Daesung's thigh pressed tight against his own under the table. In the end, Hyuk and Chaerin lost on the same question and went to buy the next round, Jiyong calling for a new drinking game. Seunghyun excused himself for a cigarette break. As he stood outside in the cold December air however, he really didn't want one. He sat on the metal step and stared blankly at the brick wall opposite, until the door at his back opened and Daesung wordlessly dropped down next to him. Without thinking or breaking eye contact with the weathered bricks, he took Daesung's hand in his own and then into his other hand to free up his arm for Daesung's shoulders as he pushed closer to Seunghyun, burying his face in his neck for a moment. Seunghyun tilted his head to rest on top of Daesung's, watching his breath condense in the air as he stroked one thumb across Daesung's knuckles. The white noise in his head subsided until all he could hear was the muffled bass from the party behind him and Daesung's breathing.   
  
  
  
"I don't want to enlist." Seunghyun spoke before he thought, then distantly wondered why he had even mentioned it when he had been having a good night, hadn't though of it once all day.   
  
"I don't want you to enlist either." Daesung replied simply. There was no intent in his voice, as there had been none in Seunghyun's, no promise of avoiding enlistment. They were both just stating facts. I don't want to go, I don't want you to go.   
  
"And I don't want to go back to Japan on Friday."   
  
"I'd rather stay here too."   
  
"I'm tired."   
  
"I'm sorry."   
  
"I want to give up smoking."   
  
"I have to go back on norpramin."   
  
Seunghyun stiffened in shock. Against his side, Daesung flinched and spoke again but quieter. "I know you've been having a rough time recently, I'm really sorry hyung. I wanted to reach out to you but I didn't know what to say and then suddenly things got really dark again, I dunno why. Seungri found me holding a knife in my sleep the day before we left Japan, and he told my manager." His voice sounded hollow and detached, as if he was describing events that happened to a stranger. "I don't even blame him, it must have been pretty scary, but I went back to see my therapist on my Monday and I have to go back on norpramin. It makes my throat dry and my voice crack."   
  
Seunghyun's thoughts were flying at a million miles a minute, flicking back through months of Daesung barely responding to the things that used to make him laugh, and seeking out company less and less, and avoiding Seunghyun's eyes. He cursed his own stupidity and selfishness. How self absorbed was he, how blind, that he didn't see this coming.   
  
Daesung's voice was becoming thicker and more desperate the longer he spoke. "I'm really sorry hyung. I want to help you, I really do, but I can feel the seams on my skin all the time now, all I can think about is letting the air escape somehow, but there's only one way I can see that happening and I can't help you, I'm so sorry hyung, please God-" he broke off with a shocked sob, head falling forward. Immediately Seunghyun pulled him closer, onto his lap, cradling his head against his chest, stroking his hair. "Don't hate me, please don't hate me..." He whispered.   
  
"I could never, you hear me, I could never hate you," he replied fiercely. "My Daesung, I'm so sorry I never saw it. But I'm going to make up for it, I promise, I'll do anything you need, I'll help any way I can, I-" His heart raced into his throat, silencing him for a second. If he was wrong, this could kill more than just his friendship with Daesung now. But it was cold and his back was numb against the stone and however Daesung replied, what he said was true. "Daesung, I lo-"   
  
"Hyungs?" The door pulled open and Seungri such his head out. "Youngbae-hyung asked me to come check on you,  I-" he saw their position and tear stained cheeks and a look of panic showed for a second before practical urgency took it's place and he stepped forwards to let the door shut behind him. "Do you need me to call an ambulance or a manager or anything? I'll hold off Jiyong, I can get Youngbae or Chaerin if you need." When it became clear that Daesung wasn't going to answer, Seunghyun pulled himself together. He thought for a second before speaking.   
  
"Get us a driver to go to the stock entrance, and call us when it's directly outside. Get Jiyong and Chaerin up on stage to distract as we sneak out the back, or Jaesang, and tell Youngbae I've got it under control. And thank you, Seungri." He added as an afterthought. Seungri nodded, and crouched down to take Daesung's hand and squeeze it for a second before stepping quickly back inside, a schooled expression covering his face before he was over the threshold.   
  
  
  
Seunghyun looked back down at the exhausted man in his arms and abandoned what he had been planning on saying before Seungri interrupted. It could wait for morning, he reasoned. Instead, he pressed a kiss to Daesung's forehead and shifted them so they were sitting shoulder to shoulder on the concrete floor. Daesung clung to his arm and wiped his eyes on the sleeve of his jumper. The night air was cold in Seoul, and Seunghyun would be enlisting within a year. They'd go to the pharmacy tomorrow to collect Daesung's prescription. Seunghyun probably wouldn't give up smoking and Jiyong would still be obsessed with Jieun come the morning.   
  
  
  
Well, that was that.

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry , reuploaded because I'm a mook who accidentally deleted the first copy. Sorry to the lovely comments , it was a total mistake.


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